Why me?, or AT&T Insurance is a fraud

My Cingular 8125 PDA phone got dropped and the display is broken. A mild inconvenience, but at least I have phone insurance, right? For only $5 per month, and a $50 deductible, they'll overnight me a new phone when something like this happens. I should be back to my mobile self by Tuesday!

Yeah, right.

So, I call, and go through what had to be engineered as the world's most complicated voice system, where they actually try to trick you into pressing the wrong buttons. I have to answer all sorts of questions via button, before I finally get a live human. He begins processing my claim, and cheerfully tells me I'm on to the next step, where I get to speak with a "specialist". I get to go through a very similar voice prompt system, with slightly different questions, and I'm back to another live human.

Except the voice prompt just told me I needed to provide a blood sample and prove maternity of my firstborn child.

Ok, I can do that. They'll still be sending my phone out today, and I'll be ok for tomorrow.

NOT.

No, I have to print out this Sworn Affidavit and Proof of Loss Statement, fill it out, get it notarized, find a page from my last billing statement (which I toss every time, wishing they'd just go paperless) and give them a copy of my photo ID.

They'll send the phone as soon as they get this stuff, right?

Ummm, nope.

They'll have someone contact me 1 - 3 business days after they receive the papers, who will then let me know the status of the claim.

I'm just guessing here - but I have this feeling that the phone call will be to inform me that the claim is pending, and it will be weeks before I have a phone. In the meantime, I don't even use a home phone. What in the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!